Approximately ten years ago, I entered one of the darkest periods of my life. I was around 12 or 13 years old when I let my adolescent confusion and frustration fester and boil over into bitterness, anger, loathing, and hatred. Longtime followers of my work will know that I am, of course, referring to the period when I, like countless other young men and boys, fell victim to the so-called "Incel" movement.
While I never referred to myself as one (I never had a word for the feelings I felt), in hindsight I can see that I fit all the hallmarks and characteristics of an incel. I was a socially-awkward youth who was shy around girls, and when I was unable to find myself in a relationship in my early teens, I let those frustrations fester and fester until they became toxic. I developed fatalistic, loathsome, hateful, and openly misogynistic tendencies and beliefs. Young couples and girls became frequent targets of my rage, and while I (thankfully) never graduated to acts of violence, I came ever so perilously close to that point.
Adolescence is a tumultuous point for every person, and I understand that when it comes to relationships and young people, frustration is going to be a constant element. Many young boys will become frustrated with their inability to get a girlfriend. That alone does not make an incel. But when those frustrations fester into toxic mindsets - and ultimately (sometimes inevitably) violence - that common adolescent frustration will mutate into uncommon and unbridled rage.
The five years or so I spent in the incel lifestyle - if one can call it that - came very close to destroying my life. I am not exaggerating when I say I owe my life to my few close friends who stood by me, gave me their attention, showed me their concerns, and allowed me to confide my troubles in them during that difficult period in my adolescence. Were it not for them standing by me and keeping me tethered to this world, I am 100% convinced I would not be here today.
Thanks to the ever-present care shown to me by my close friends and family, my own maturity, and perhaps by the grace of God, I gradually - but finally - left the incel mindset behind at the age of 17. I've covered my time as an incel multiple times over the past few years. I consider myself one of the lucky few who got out, and while I am glad to be out, I am constantly aware that many other young men are still locked into that toxic lifestyle with the same twisted mindsets and worldviews I once possessed.
It's not surprising in the least to me that nearly all mass shooters tend to be young (usually white) males, typically between the ages of 15 and 21, with a poor history when it comes to relationships with girls. Last year's horrific massacre at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, Texas, was a textbook example of that. The gunman in Uvalde - 18-year-old Salvador Rolando Ramos - had an extremely disturbing pattern of behavior in the months leading up to the shooting.
A teenage girl who had rejected Ramos' sexual advances online became the target of a stream of threats by Ramos, who threatened to break down her door, rape her, and kill her. Another girl who had rebuffed Ramos had a similar experience, where Ramos threatened over a livestream to rape her, shoot her and her mother, and then shoot up her school, even showing her a gun that he owned. Multiple female coworkers of Ramos also reported being the target of sexual harassment and threats of rape and murder when they rejected Ramos' advances.
I was fortunate enough that, during my time as an incel, I never once stumbled upon the many internet forums, threads, and websites that host incel communities and serve as toxic echo chambers where incels are fed a steady stream of hateful propaganda that only serves to reinforce their dangerous and warped beliefs.
Had I found such a community, and had I formed any sort of bond with like-minded incels - angry and bitter at the world and glorifying acts of terror and violence - I am certain I would be dead today. At the very least, I would have taken my own life, and at the very worst, I would have almost certainly victimized untold numbers of innocent people.
As disturbing as that may sound, I feel the urgent need to underscore that point, because it is the inevitable endpoint of where the path of hatred leads. There's nowhere else it can lead. If these feelings of self-loathing, anger, rage, and despair are to be repeatedly indulged, reinforced, and allowed to fester, there is only one natural conclusion: Destruction.
And that's precisely what happened in Uvalde.
Ultimately, Salvador Ramos would act on his online threats of violence. After shooting and seriously wounding his grandmother at her house, Ramos entered Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, Texas, armed with a .223-caliber DDM4 V7 rifle, and massacred 19 fourth-graders and two teachers in a shooting spree that ended only when he was killed by police. And in true fashion, the massacre itself seemed to further embolden the cesspools of hatred that had produced so many dangerous and angry young men like him. Incel forums praised and celebrated the attacks as righteous strikes against the society they hated, and called for more people to follow in his footsteps.
"Good riddance, all the future drug users and single mom sex havers [...] have been deleted from the face of the earth", wrote one user on an incel forum celebrating the massacre in Uvalde. "Smart choice going after those 'kids', maximizing pain on their scum parents and society. May more follow Inshallah".
Many others on the forum celebrated the fact that Ramos had killed female students and two female teachers (or "femoids", as incels often call girls) during his rampage.
"At least one future Stacy was put down before it could cause emotional damage to countless boys", wrote one user, using an incel term for a sexually-active female. "Based shooter. The only thing I lament is that he couldn't kill more".
"Based. Heil this new saint", added another user. "There needs to be more incel shootings".
"Good riddance, he just deleted future sex havers from the face of the planet", added yet another user. "Foids are the reason shootouts happen".
In these online communities, despairing and frustrated young men nurture their hatred and reaffirm each other's demented worldviews. They allow their wounds to fester, and when they do they endanger not only themselves but countless innocent people.
It is common to see incels dismissed as "losers" or "basement dwellers", but I think this is an unfair characterization. As a former incel myself, I understand that, as hateful, demented, and twisted as incels may be, their hatred stems - at least in part - from a genuine place of pain and anguish.
This is not to say that incels are right, or that their views are justifiable or even understandable; it is merely to say that this issue has more to it than meets the eye. It took a long, long time for me to leave the incel mindset behind, and I didn't leave it through being mocked or belittled by others.
If anything, what saved me was the compassion and empathy shown to me by so many people and close friends, who had every opportunity to disown me, ignore me, and write me off as irredeemable, but didn't. They listened to my ravings and my toxic worldviews, but crucially, they reacted with understanding and not mockery. They showed me the empathy and compassion I felt I lacked, and they stuck to that throughout my entire journey, and for that I owe them my life.
A gesture of empathy, in the end, may be the best hope for a young man at the end of his tether. If you know someone who is going through the same kind of anguish that I did, please reach out to them and let them know you are there for them. Give them the connection they feel they lack. You may just save a life, and possibly the lives of countless others, through a simple act like this.
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